Honestly, today I don't care if I write at all. Yesterday I had a headache and today I just don't feel like myself. I don't know who I feel like, but it for sure isn't me. At least not the me I have come to be here. But writing like this has become a good habit for me, so here goes.
I think I am just a little...hmmm, depressed isn't the right word. I don't know how I feel. I realized yesterday that in this same week I celebrate (maybe not the right word) the beginning and the end of my marraige.
I got married on April 1st. Hey, I let him pick the date! I was in love: I didn't see it as prophecy, just an adorable quircky choice. (feel free to roll your eyes, I am) I didn't choose March 28 as the end of my marraige, it was thrust on me by the judge representing the state of Minnesota in the dissolution of our union.
And the eighteen years in between? Some were good, some were bad. I don't regret a single one. They made me the woman I am today. I can find the silver lining in just about any situation, because I was reminded daily just how terrible the world was, that disaster waited around every corner and that I wasn't prepared for it. He is what every wanna-be pessimist aspires to be.
He wanted me to be with him. It's not that he had anything specific he needed me for, he just didn't want me to spend time with other people. He didn't even really pay attention to me. I sat in my chair and watched him while he watched TV, played solitaire on his computer and talked to other people on the phone.
He figured (to the penny) how much I cost him, and not just for the divorce. He kept a running total during our entire marraige. Sounds strange? He did that with everyone in his life. His ledger had only debits though, no one seemed to bring anything of value into his life. I can earn my own money, thank you very much. The people in my life are valued because of their integrity, honesty and love. Period.
When he chose to be he could be loving and supportive and very nurturing. He encouraged me to start college. When I became unhappy at work he helped me to start the job search. He's not a bad person, our relationship just didn't work anymore and he didn't want to try. He was the one who recognized that and left.
It seems like a lifetime ago that I was married. It has only been three years. So much has happened in those three years. I left a desk job and became a baker and currently I am, well I don't know yet. I graduated from college. I left a small town for the big city of Minneapolis, then left there for Florence, Italy. Surrounded by my family and loving friends I have found a life that I had never in my wildest dreams believed existed.
Guess what? I feel better.