Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Done apologizing

I got an e-mail from a good friend recently. She said that she had suggested my story for a magazine article and asked for some scans of my art. Then she wrote "Please do not make any apologies for the creative and multiple streams of income you pursue to love, live, and make art in Firenze. You are pretty darn amazing."

 At first I was taken back by that statement...what did she mean apologize? Why would I do that? Then I realized that apologizing is exactly what I do for every decision I make. I have no real understanding of why I do this all the time. I could theorize all day about it. It excuses my immanent failure. Because in my mind the possibility of failure is always stronger than the possibility of success. Even though I succeed far more often than I fail. Or it excuses the goals I choose to pursue. They tend to be a little different than most of my peers. The list naturally goes on and on...

She's right. I shouldn't apologize for anything. I live a life that feeds my body and my soul, my mind and my heart. Yes, it's a life very different from the one I used to have and different from the lives of those I love. But here's the thing...even though I was very good at living my other life I am far better suited to the life I have now.

There is a serenity in my heart that I haven't experienced before. Part of it comes from being loved, part of it from loving. Another part is participating in the act of creation every day. Part of it comes from using my body every day; using it pretty hard some days. Part of it comes from spending more time in the present than in the past or in the future. Being aware of these things and remembering them every day helps that serenity to grow and fill me up.

So I'm done apologizing. I watch dogs poo and I watch other people's children so that I can live and love and create every day with a joyful heart. It's enough for me.

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